She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We left the knife in your bed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.