Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0