ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
