Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
