Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
