Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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