Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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