well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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