Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
