Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
