Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
