she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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