Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
