I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
