Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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