an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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