i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
