I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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