Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
