sarcasm needs its own font
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
