dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
