i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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