So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
