Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
