i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize