i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
