You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
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Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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