all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
