having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
