did you get engaged???
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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