I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
