I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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