So drunk its hurt
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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