What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
