oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
