So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
