My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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