Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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