I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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