last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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