I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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