Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
