Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
