I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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