I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
