I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
