I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
