I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
