i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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