1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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