i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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