so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
