What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just pee around me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
my poor anus
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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