i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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