i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
