Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
3pm strippers are depressing
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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